Shontelle - Impossible

Why does it have to hurt?*

We are making a mark!!!*

....thinKs.*

....standing so close to the edge and wondering.....why am even at the edge...??

GOD i trust with all i have....HE loved me so much...

Everything happens for a reason...at a season....no not for a season rather at a season.....

so im just wondering why i have so much happening in one season....

why are there so many people i hurt...who i cant love...why am i so alone in a room full of people??? why is there so much i dont understand....

in GOD's presence...there is 10p's...

PROTECTION

PROVISION

PROMISE

PRAYER

PEACE

PROVIDENCE

PATIENCE

+3More....

i need to see these things....

LORD I'm praying for all of the above....LORD hear me...when i cry...please.....there's too much i don't know how to live with.....

We are making a mark!!!*

Perception Point

There’s a point where all sanity cannot contain a chaotic mess…

…When the sphere of the inner most medulla is always oppressed.

That point when the entire world is crashing in your optical chiasm,

… That’s when all the embers of your miasma

  Become a part of the ashes…of long forgotten dreams….

…dusting away reality from your minds seams…

You begin to take a step in the wrong direction…

… A need to find yourself….find a new addiction…

It’s a miss-conception that by drawing scars…

You can erase the past… and turn them into stars….

… Truth sets you free.

Here’s the truth….

Scars hurt too much

Scars scar the sense of touch…

Scars leave you broken….

Closer to being irreparable and leaving you unspoken….

Simply put….scars….are a story….

It’s the way to write down painful history…

Painlessly in the cranium,

Painfully, with stainless titanium:

Titanium exterior….

Uranium interior.

suuny days ahead..*

We are making a mark!!!*

...a few weeks ago*

....a few weeks ago this was just a plain and simple town girl from back home...

a few weeks ago she didn't know what love was....she didn't know what it meant to have a man in her life...

a few weeks ago...she was undisturbed....a few weeks ago she could go to church without fail...a few weeks ago was a few weeks ago...

when the world was spinning clockwise and time was running in the right direction.....when the earth didn't sleep at 8 and get up at 4pm...to start the day....!!*

So here i am....spinning in the opposite direction wondering why the moon shines during the day...and the sun lulls me to sleep??

Why is it the earth stopped lazing around and started moving so fast...the days get shorter as the nights get longer....

I know the climate has changed....not just in the new area code but in the past few weeks....(everything has changed)....so..

how did i get to this point???

how did i drive myself to this point....where did i loose sight?

a few weeks ago...i was Emma....today who am i?

I still have the name....but where's that girl?

Did she heal? Did she get lost in the midst of the fun and craze....

or did she find herself when she wasn't even looking??

where's that girl?

....where's the girl who listened?

GOD forgive me....for my iniquities....for the wrongs that so oft seem right.....for making it seem okay....

GOD hear me...please...in JESUS name i pray...AMEN.*

not knowing too...hurts*

We are making a mark!!!*

TwIce remOved*

Are you still there???

CAn YOU see me....Can YOU hear me?

Can YOU stop me from picking up the knife one more time to write the love story of my hate on these hands.....LORD what am i to do....the calligraphy is getting darker again...and no one can know....how do i stop.....

Can YOU help me stop making incision after incision.....are these marks heal-able???

Am i repair-able??? fixable with just malleable tools or rigid rules???

Tell me how do i get my mind to stop the tape.....how do i stop the pieces GOD put together from falling apart again.....

Are there second chances??

Can I stop myself from picking the knife.....or picking the razor i held a bit to dear...to numb this pain......

from running my life again.....from making the smile appear and the frown drop to the text background.....

the knife that made friendships and breaks relationships...maintains my sphere of decency on the outside but torments the invisible child inside.......

CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT.......

BLEEDING just to know your sTIll ALIVe....*

*TO wRIte LoVe on her hanDs...*

another take of the same scene......*

We are making a mark!!!*

haPPend

it happened again...it was a moment of utter disarray.....mental incarceration.....

I put the blade to my skin and thought...just once and it will be okay...if am still alive then it will work out....

so its happened.....

CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT CUT,,,,,,,

one cut is all it takes

We are making a mark!!!*

.....CraCked rEsolvE*

Sanity......please stay.....i need to maintain the peace...i cant crack the sphere.....i cant go into disarray....

I cant undo a chaotic resolve......spells of sunshine periods of darkness....i need light...

GOD save me....from my tormenting tumultuousness......insincere peace.......bloody tears falling from my hands...my cheeks have no tears...just stains....not visible pains...just silhouettes of past indecency.... 

when everything is a mess...my mind has lost all depth....am screaming out inside....so loud even in deafening silence.....no-one can hear.....

look....don't stop at the surface....see deep down...

see....in one day...all my disciplined will left...i relapsed....Its no longer a quest...its a cry for help...a cry for some relief....but i'm going insane stuck in my head........

the silence between us is getting louder...tooo loud....i don't wanna hear it anymore.....

suddenly...i've been expelled...relegated to last place in your heart......

bleeding for a part of me to remain alive.....

Put a stop.......don't pick the razor.......don't make the calligraphy of freedom and peace a little darker....don't......do it......don't loose you again....

CUT CUT CUT CUT...................

BLLLLOOOOODY TEEEEAAARS......!*

resolve

We are making a mark!!!*

....bRokeN cOrpse....*

A point where you give up....where you realize that you dont know how to stop yourself from going back....am begging for strength from GOD above....i need to get me back in order....

But you keep moving away....when i need you to love me...when i need me to love me i cant...i just need a razor...to make the caligraphy on my hands alittle darker....

I need to write the story...on my hands...on my body....coz i cant speak or cry it out....so i can only cut it into my body and hope its never seen....hope for the best....hope i dont die from a half hearted death wish....

Hope that my misery doesnt overtake the smile...hope that the resolve doesnt crack the already broken seams....

Release

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...crystaL

Proud aunty

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CrysTal....*

Beauty in small quantities....a mothers joy..a journey.....!!!*

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She carried me 9months....she cried for me....with me....because of me...

I thank GOD for her...because i know i am blessed.....

Mummy...I love you so much......

But I know You love me....so much more than i know...

I have let you down many times but i know that now i can change....

i can be the daughter you want me to be...the GOD fearing child that you intended.....

When people tell me i look like my mother..i will not sneer or be embarrased because then i know they are telling me..one day you will be like the woman who gave birth to you....you are a copyright of love, patience, kindness, peace, patience and humility....

I love you mum.....even though i sometimes hurt you...forgive m3.....



We are making a mark!!!*

Time for me to love her......*

We are making a mark!!!*

Pixie Lott - Broken Arrow

We are making a mark!!!*

thoughtS......*

all alone with my thoughts..minutes  pass and am wondering what i did to get here....

another moment, another thought and back to square one....

repetition is my new best friend.....cracks are beginning to show the foundation a haze....the place a maze....bits of this bits of that....

what sucks is the fact that even when we are together the excuses are so flimsy...i cant look at you in the eye anymore coz i cant let you see...

too much turmoil n no peace..the actual pain is more than i let on..but you cant know......

no one takes time to read my unspoken thoughts...and i don't even say much..i don't structure or eloquently deliver these thoughts..they just pour out...

my thoughts are not sequential or purpose driven most times they are of no matter...but they still need an escape right.....i don't know how to speak...i never learnt to...i don't know how not to write down my thoughts because thats the only way i know how to express myself...

but hey...everything comes with compromise...so all shut my mouth....keep my thoughts where they are made....let them turn into monsters...let them relish the prison...

i hate nightmares.....i hate being afraid.....

*nIghTmaReS.....

We are making a mark!!!*

pleA...*

CHRIST...loves me.....filling my cup it runs over...

I need a break...just peace of mind.....just an ounce of free space....

I don't wanna run mad......but its getting to that point

I'm tired of flipping through up and down phases......

I'm tired of the lines carving traces of my tears....

I'm tired of the potent real dream fears.....

I'm tired of my thought process because its detrimental to my health....

I'm tired of being of being tired....

its making me suffer and the sickness and poor health...

I wanna live......

LORD don't pass me by.....because I'm tired of being another case that can be handled later

am tired of constantly looking crazy and wanting numbness......CHRIST i believe.....just don't let me go.......

Saviour how else can I plea.....

Prayer....i try but sin has drifted me far from YOU...but i am returned by YOUR everlasting grace....

HEAL me LORD....Saviour, Healer and friend...

Romans 8:23.....Jeremiah 29:11,12 n 13.....

MentAl tUrmoil...

We are making a mark!!!*

....FORgiveNEss.....

Dear Father,

CREATOR.....Magnified...LORD over all the earth....porter.....JESUS......

GOD in heaven i know i have not kept the laws.....

Father i know i have sinned beyond repair...i know that i have not fully believed... i know that  i have asked for forgiveness and still gone back...i know i have taken for granted things that you give.... i know that i have not been the example for you i set out to be....

Father...as i right this i pray for cleansing...i pray Father that you may wash and wipe my iniquities clean....


that YOU may revive my heart...that YOU may give me the strength and passion to fight for YOU...that YOU may create a new heart in me.....clean my mind and set me free...Im tired of living this life like this....Father.....hear my cry...

I'm just a sinner and i don't deserve any love YOU have shown me...but JESUS never died in vain....HE died that i may live...eternally....HE died that i may see the kingdom...that i may meet YOU.....Father...i right this...my heart is not okay...i have sinned and i come to YOU....praying with every letter that YOU may forgive me....take away the selfishness....create me anew.....

Take away my fear.....replace it with calm and peace.....Author and finisher of my faith....i know i have drifted far away....but JESUS hold me close...

Show me YOUR true grace JESUS......

IN JESUS name i CRY and PRAY....

AMEN....*

*PEACE....MY PRAYER.....*

We are making a mark!!!*

..Peace!*

When you decide to jump of the cliff and fall into the arms of this superhuman......when heaven lets you see this man who is more than just a man...he is just....wonderful.......

When the sun shines through a rainy day...when the joys are scarce and the sorrows so many...when the pillars of strength falter....you know he cares coz he will still stay there right beside you...love you throught the worst and the tears...when sincerely your head is at surmountable peace and your heart takes one look and falls.....

Your joys will be myn...your tears...all helpp cry...and wipe away...your fears...we will fight..our success we will celebrate...when our paradise has the two of us...we will always....make...

When you break am here...when i break...your there....when you cant sleep all sing you a lullabye...when you cant eat all feed you....when we jus don wanna try...we have to remind each other....

GOD put you in my life for a reason......and i know...im Blessed.....

sincerity....*

We are making a mark!!!*

...poison...*

...Contentment...Pain...irreversibly irreparable....partially portable.....

One shot of my pain....two torts of happiness....a glass of too much hate.....love in a portion.....insignificant doses....taking an overdose of this jigsaw......

Dreaming out loud...


I have theories of sunny skies.....pleasant winds....broken rainbows.....pearly earth....painted seas....watery grass....

My thoughts come in a rush.....counting my fingers....seeing Heaven in your eyes.....

Knifely dreams...probably nightmares...the thoughts of his hands....sweaty and callused...from all the manual labour rubbing roughly against my back...slipping lower to my buttocks....capping them in his hands... squeezing so tight through my jeans....patiently i cry waiting for you to let me go.....have your way and leave...

sweet dreams.....possible nightmares... so i watch as the pain becomes so real...i lock my mind shut....running on auto pilot..my heart is comatose...my body is unaware.....

so he scavenges.....he takes...he pushes....and pulls...all i do is lay there.....
waiting....in my mind...waiting for it to end....for the opium depressive bastard to get of my chaste body.....

CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT............................................

Colored mind

*Broken cOrpse*


We are making a mark!!!*

.....Peaceful pain....

When i sit around drowning...

When heaven seems so far

When love is a mystical affair


When time is a perfect square


When you and me are left wondering


Whether there is time left to linger....


Poison to the heart....you are....

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....*beat to your voic3.....*

Across the room...the words you speak are real...they hold much meaning....they are not simplistic words...rather they are words that cannot be measured up to....they more than words...meaning and feeling beyond what the mind of a simplistic being can understand....

They full of passion...they are the very beat to your every sentence....the very life to your speech.....they are sweet sensual tones of true intelligence...words are not just mere weapons...they are flowers on a rosy day....they are wreaths of condolence...they are success cards to those who are scared of failure...they are joy to those who feel the life for one more year....they are beauty beneath the wings of those who try...and achieve.... they are the memories of those we have lost...the hope of those we are to gain...they are soft and sweet...they abase the loneliness... they distract the conscious.

......When the stars take a right and all you see is the vast majority of spacial expanse...the thoughts of an indecisive mind.... The dreams of shooting stars, the pains of meteor showers......

Just like the space...between the sky and the heavens.....the words you speak surmount to that.....

But there is a divide....a line that masks the beauty within.....

Words....

We are making a mark!!!*

......S33.....*

Sitting at this corner of your room looking out to through the window...i wonder when it all stopped making sense...i wonder why i let the walls i had taken years to build break....

I look at you...but you never see...i break with every thought...but then again that could just be the bipolar talking not me....I'm trying not to sink...

you look at me and see selfishness...i look at me and i cant stand the person staring back at me....i hate her...but you love her...

Am patiently waiting for you to learn to hate me in every small way...the point when i seem to make less sense to you rather i irritate you..

rather than you finding peace with me... I only irrigate your anger....flourish your hatred...the putrid person i am you will hate....

Sometimes i wanna just make it clear its not my fault rather its just that i have no more lithium.....I'm not trying to be someone am not...am just trying not to relive the past...i don't wanna sink as far as i did...

When there's a full moon in my eyes...there's clouds beneath yours....i try and find a way to crack the shell but you have vaults all over...

Am not a locksmith but i wonder if i even have the key to your front door??

You try and explain the term friendship and we are both looking for imperfect ideals even though we emulate a perfect picture...respecting the worlds view of our happiness what about our own??

Am not perfect.... I have major flaws..I am indecent incandescent....I am the girl at the corner of the road broken in pieces...with my smile being dragged behind my shadow....

You will learn that am not ordinary, the facade that we throw on to mask our true selves wears thin after a while... There's only so much you can try to be....there's so much that i am not....

even though you deny it...i make comparisons.... "Coulda been's, woulda work'd, almost hapn'd, past mistakes...past truths..." all of them compared to the girl looking back at me in the mirror are all way much more...

i see the scars on me and i think there's no point in trying to keep from the blade...... I see how u look at them and you have the look of disgust and disgrace....my pedestal is on ground level in comparison to the rest... I have no meaning...not when all the rest have pedestals closer to heaven....

My scars tell stories...probably much more than you will ever know or care to understand.....

The mirror is my worst enemy...it screams at me every morning..."ugly" even when you think i like how i look...you never see past the mystery these broken eyes hold.....

Like glass on a mantle piece...like a flower in a tilted vase....i sit. i perch myself.....i need no help when am crying and reaching out for you...

When i fall to the floor JESUS will not let me....


Am not a diamond...am not even a shiny stone...am just the speck of mud on your boot you wipe away with disgust...

Look at me...no....See me...and you'll realize you have and are wasting your time.....

*..............Br0k3n c0rps3........*

CUT CUT CUT CUT.....




bLEEEEDING TOOO MUCH.......*

i JUSt miGht

We are making a mark!!!*

....*....open FIELd*.....

When we remain stagnant in one place too long we forget the meaning that that place held in the first place.....We look through the silhouette of translucent glass into the open fields of our minds...trying to find serenity in places that we honestly don't need....

You know that people are just human robots at times....devoid of emotion walking about their daily lives...

So lets look into our minds and find meaning of that place we have come to stagnate in....

lets see the lilies in the fictitious pond before us....lets find the horizon's rainbow and follow it all the way to the pot of gold....lets not loose ourselves....CHRIST paid too high a price for us too be lost

......She is not just a girl with scars on the back of her hands....she isn't just another face in your silly crowd....she is not just another girl you can break....she isn't another "almost-adult" lover you can toy with.....She has a heart a delicate one at that....Don't toy with strings you can't fix or play....

Don't break her just because you think its okay....

Don't look at her and think......

Just because you had your way with her you can do it all over again....and this time you take it all away...
don't lie to her there's a possibility of something when you know that its just a matter of time....

Don't take the distance and lie to her it will all be okay....the commitment is too large...the love is it strong enough???

Can you honestly let her get on that plane and say goodbye and think for 13hours she will sit still?? her eyes will burn with the love she cries...her heart will be left on that runway...and you will walk back into desolation....Home will hold no meaning....substance or feeling....

So you'll sit there crying on the sofa...asking y???

Thinking of how to end all the heartache....

Hun, you'll walk into a new life and feel the disconnect....you'll see the world and wanna run back into your comfort cocoon...where the caterpillar you are doesn't wanna grow wings....where the shelter you have over your head has you covered tightly....where you know there is no chance of a wingspan.....but hunny thats all an open field in your mind....its all fictitious....reality has your name stamped.....its calling you to greater heights....just spread your wings and feel the breeze...*

When he doesn't call you...your in tears...when he says all the right things you say you don't deserve it.....when your happy you wanna cry...when he really cares your confused....when you love it hurts....GOD made love...HE is LOVE.....*

But you know the pain behind that love.....you know that the tears stung more than just your cheeks...you know the food you ate was not for you...but so he could think of you as her....you are you...beautiful look in the mirror walk in that field and see....see what i see...what we all see.....you deserve much better...you deserve life....

See the figments and fragments...pieces and puzzles....promises and pauses....hesitation and declarations....see through that translucent glass...see behind the pained Polaroid....

see your heart...and mine....his and hers....its all an enigma of trailing thoughts....the human life all wrapped up in theories of what we think is that should have been....

Pause.....

rewind.....

Fast forwaRd....

Time.....

ZoOm....

PresS

STOP................

*Bl.oNdi.3 PaCt*

We are making a mark!!!

Time...

Extraordinary phenomenon, it’s remarkably the only thing that can take whichever pace it chooses.

It moves slow or speeds past; it heals wounds or makes them worse.

Time tears walls and time builds walls. For me, time makes me sick; one more day of misery, one more day of pain and one more cut. More Elastoplasts, more blood, more tears and many more puffy red eyes...

Every day, I cut deeper than the last cut. Every day, I bleed more than the past, I weep more for the past...Every day I care less and less for reality....

Every day I lose more of me than the day before...more pieces die inside with every new morning...every day a new tear, heavier and laden with more sorrows of the past mistakes and fears...

Time is seemingly more of what I don’t want when in reality; it’s what I need...

We are making a mark!!!

*DisGrAc3*

Am sitting in the corner of your room praying that you would take a minute and see the broken me. All you do is judge me yet your supposed to love me. For the things i do are not because am trying to get attention...i Just need to feel pretty once more....

You look at me and think she is such a slut, a whore..and it hurts. You don't c the broken girl inside praying that someone would tell her oh my your beautiful. she looks upto you for even an ounce of acceptance but all you can afford is to disgRac3 her...

I know i may not be as pretty as you, i may not be as old or learned as you, But we are still part of the same family... You look into the mirror and see someone worth looking at. I look in the mirror and all i see is scars. All i hear are screams. all i feel is pain. You make me feel insignificant and useless. would u even love me at one point. Or will you always hate me??

We are making a mark!!!

....Br0k3n*

She'z sitting by the phone wondering why its nt ringing. she prayd 4 hym to walk in2 ha lyf bt he choose to observe. she settled 4less n payd 2hye a cost for hys love n affection...

she cried 4 hys love bt he took away her innocence...

she waz so young. she waz so naive...she had no clue, l.o.ve neva hurt. it didnt tear away her innocence...

she bled 4sanity to return, bt instead it broke her down. she kudnt c the sun, just imagyn tha rays in he desol8 despar8 mynd...

how kud u claim to love haf a person. how cn u say u lyk a rotting *broken c0rps3*?...

she staind the broken window with her blood, she colourd the floor with ha broken clear tearz...

im lo0kn awta tha window n am axn 2b set fre3 from the pain...al i c iz a broken me staryng bak at me....

*CUT CUT CUT, BLEED. CUT, DEEP GASH, M0RE BLO0D....


BRok3n c0rpS3....*

We are making a mark!!!

StoRi3s....#

We all have stories to tell. sad stories, funny stories, critical stories, wise stories...

sometimes the stories we tell are hypotheticaly abwt ourselves.

theaz no certainty of telling which story we tel wil b real. We pick a chapter from the bo0k of our lives n tell a story from that...

here is a dilema...you have a story, bt the entire bo0k you picked it from was sad...

here'z this girl, moving to a yellow street, new address, new life, new love n everythn. her house is pretty yellow with white fencing n blue roofing... black grass n red tiles... she has a smile on her face, bt its nt real...she has a sharp object in her hand n its making her ble3d...

her hair is gray, n her nails are frayd...

her broken eyes tilt tha sun n u only c a mirage of sanity...an oasis of happines in a desert of pain...

her h3art is charred and the sky iz clear...

her story, untold to the world. her pain, unfelt by the earth...

its 1story, with no pretty ending...

cUT, BL33D, DI3, SCREAM...

a blo0dy m3ss, a fucking wr3ck,

*a br0k3n c0rps3*

she'z nt dieng,

she'z nt livin,

she has no beatin heart

bt a broken one...

We are making a mark!!!

StoRi3s....#

We all have stories to tell. sad stories, funny stories, critical stories, wise stories...

sometimes the stories we tell are hypotheticaly abwt ourselves.

theaz no certainty of telling which story we tel wil b real. We pick a chapter from the bo0k of our lives n tell a story from that...

here is a dilema...you have a story, bt the entire bo0k you picked it from was sad...

here'z this girl, moving to a yellow street, new address, new life, new love n everythn. her house is pretty yellow with white fencing n blue roofing... black grass n red tiles... she has a smile on her face, bt its nt real...she has a sharp object in her hand n its making her ble3d...

her hair is gray, n her nails are frayd...

her broken eyes tilt tha sun n u only c a mirage of sanity...an oasis of happines in a desert of pain...

her h3art is charred and the sky iz clear...

her story, untold to the world. her pain, unfelt by the earth...

its 1story, with no pretty ending...

cUT, BL33D, DI3, SCREAM...

a blo0dy m3ss, a fucking wr3ck,

*a br0k3n c0rps3*

she'z nt dieng,

she'z nt livin,

she has no beatin heart

bt a broken one...

We are making a mark!!!

Ang3l......#

its bin a few hours of blisS, a few hourz of divine peace....you to0k a l0ng walk, reachn a depth in my chest that seemd almost unfillable.

you opened your eyes, and you lo0kd down the sidez of the valley...the pollution or the lily...staring awt in2 the ocean, make a pick, the dead gne rose o the multicolourd lily on the beach....

so u decide n pick blisS, i decide n promise you the best. cn i truly n fre3ly gyv the best if i luk at me n thynk how kan it b so?

...he walkd dwn the road, dead beatn n broken, he fell into the arms of a rugged girl, cryn by the side of the str3et...she held hym, his eyes shut. she wiped away his tear n he felt the softnes of her heart...he flutterz hys eyes open, n there he s3es...an angel covered in mud, a beauty splashd in sadnes

there she se3z, a hero broken in pieces. a knight callin awt to her, a man, whose infinite worth keepz her mesmerised...

angels walk among us, myn walkd in2 my lyf....

We are making a mark!!!

yellow....*

I was walking in a dark cold lonely world... I had no direction, no purpose... i made mistakes... I settled for less than i deserved... I let myself down...

He was broken, crying over the past mistakes...paying for sins he never did commit.. crying tears he never should have cried... he was down and out. Broken and depressed, he wanted to give up on life...he was ready to give it all up and just.....DI3....*

I was in a state of despair, my heart was crashed, my faith was almost finished... I didn't want to see another day... i just wanted to end it all. 1shot at life and i blew it. I prayed to be stopped... I prayed for mercy....

He walked into my life broken and in need of a friend... he stayed having found an angel...after seeing that i needed one as well...he knew that i needed him... his hurt dissipated, his mind found peace and rest...he learnt that sometimes the best way to start, is to learn the 4letters all over again....

i put a smile on his face, he put a smile in my heart...

when i totally gave up on love...it found me again...when i was almost on the verge of di3ing, he found me...

GOD knows i needed a miracle...and he gave me many.... so today, i don't want to bl33d my life to despair,

I want to live my life in bliss... I don't want to loose him...rather I want to be a part of his life for-ever....

I lYk chicken pie's.....***

live, LIVE.....happy...smiLe, Cry, laUgh......




We are making a mark!!!

....Happine$$....*

so we take the risk and say "what the hell!!!" let me fall in love again....you wait patiently for the right guy and he never shows...so u jus decide, let me settle for the next best thing. he isn't a prince in shining armour, but atleast he drives a car!! he may not have all the gold in the world, but he can afford to wear one chain which he took a loan to get!! he may not wear shoes worth 10000 bur atleast, HE WEARS sHoeS!!!*

so this is they guy u decide to give a try....you put your head down and decide to make him work...you pamper him, treat him like a king and meanwhile he sees you almost as a slave...but hey, you think to yourself, i deserve thiS!!!! so you keep at it...he starts to get cocky and ventures out to the world....looks at other girls more seductively while you observe...at first, you pay no mind, but then it moves on to: strange calls at 11, more time spent away from you...rude stares and more abuse...what do you do??? you bare it all...u take the shit he gives you and decide thats what your worth....after all, no other man will take a second look at you...!!!

but this is what is happening to you.....your dying with every step he takes away from you...your screaming in pain from the blood he's draining from you...am bleeding more and more every day....the blood that cannot be put back into me, filthy blood...degraded blood....!!!

so you decide to talk to him...tell him whats really bugging you...all he does is shut you out...scream at your face, slam the door and walk right out of your heart into her car.....

HAPPINESS CAN DESTROY YOU......*The Fray*

bleeed.....blood...cut,cut, cut,

CUT,CUT,CUT,CUT!!!!!!

DEAD.....

We are making a mark!!!

....HaT3rs.....

silently she looks on...gazing past the myriad of broken stars...she looks patiently beseeching her heart to start pumping from the deadness inside...

It doesn't move, it stagnates...it resonates a resounding pale thump; unheard by the naked ear but to the trained listener, it is a crackle of life...

She silently pictures her grave, her tombstone etched with the words that ''characterize'' her life...she prays and cries to the heavens for an ounce of sanity, she screams for love that will hold her...she needs a cleansing, an awakening from her dead stupor, but no-one comes forth. no one gives a hand, a listening ear or even a hope...

all the embers in her soul have burnt out because they couldn't withstand the fire...everyone who meets her, leaves a piece of her lying on the ground bleeding....not only her pieces, but her...she cannot handle the hate, the despair, the judgement....

Oh! how harshly they judge her, by standards they themselves fail to meet. they judge with ideals that cannot even fit a world setup...her actions are not for attention...you don't even know her life...you are just passer-by's...you were never there to see all the things she has...all you can do is judge a book by its cover...you look at me, but don't see me...you think am just a fake-ster....

you are mistaken...that girl staring at a broken sky is me...that girl knows how to break insignificant pieces of a puzzle because thats what she is...but how does she put them back together?? am not a "wanna be"....i am real....

maybe at times am not the one talking, maybe its the bipolar in me....but who cares? not you, or you or you!! you are just judges of a case you never read the evidence...you are all haters of something you WILL NEVER understand....

Crimson Red Yellow.......i cant.....so all do what i know best, B-L-3-3-D..........

the girl gazing past the moon couldn't sit through the pain no more...she reached down beside her, picked the kitchen knife...put it against her jugular vein, and made the surgical incision....

Blood drips feverently, down her neck onto the grass where she sat...the knife in her hand hit the soaked grass...the rain pelted her face and stung her neck...she couldn't let tears mix with the blood...and as i write this, i wipe away the blood...

We are making a mark!!!

....*KABERIA....*

Every mark has a meaning, every tear owns no feeling...its like a cycle, we run to the things that always hurt us and stay clear of those that make us smile....we have friends but we select the enemies advice, we have hearts but we always leave them out to break....

we are supposed to care about those closest to us, to hold dear things that make us happy.....am slowly letting tat one good thing in my life slip away....its disappearing from me and i hate that...it is the one thing that puts a smile on my face, the one thing that takes me away from all the shit around me...it keeps me sane in my insane world...

he holds me down...holds me together but now because she chose to come in between i'm scared.....*kaberia* means a lot to me...and for many reasons he's all i want...he keeps my head on my shoulders....

am not leaving you...i want you in my life always...i want you there to help me cry, to laugh with me, to help me scream, to make me stop scarring me.....BRING ME BACK TO LIFE......  



We are making a mark!!!

Plumb - Cut

Val3ntin3.....

one day in a year we celebrate love, we celebrate a phenomenon not many of us understand what it means..... Its supposed to be beautiful, happy, full of gifts with no meaning, smiles with no feeling, tears full of blood.....

Valentine, a red affair... we whisper secrets in each others ears, say sweet nothings to one another and share an imagined love together.... it barely makes any sense to either of the two, just chemistry......

Chocolates that ease the throat, that seem to cause a stir in the stomach. but they don't reach the heart..... "its the thought that counts," a consolation prize to anyone who has their beloved sending flowers.....

......its a day with "supposed" meaning, love floating,......

Red, the color of love? I don't think so.....

Isn't red the color of bloodshed?

Hate?

Anger?

Pain?

of DEATH???

so how can it mean love???

I know the meaning of love, its H-A-T-E......

But I know that love will never leave me..... because i still love you.....always.....

We are making a mark!!!

...............L-0-V-3.............

..... a heart is just an organ that pumps blood, how is it that it is said to break? how is it that it is said to feel so much never ending pain? what does all that mean? Maybe it is a figment of our imagination. Maybe it doesn't really feel, our minds are what feel, rather send impulses that make us believe that we are feeling when in reality we are just numb........

Well at least that would be the easiest explanation to everything....

But i know better. I know that when you let someone touch or graze that inner sanctum that we all call a heart, we are but asking for trouble we do not require... I know that when we ask to be loved, we are only searching for unrequited love. We are searching for a fantasy that cannot be achieved in reality......

I used to be a true believer of love, love that would come and knock down my door, bang me so hard in the head and never leave... guess thats why its called a dream, they can barely survive an hour in reality....

Sometimes i hate how i can't hate, I hate how i can't stop loving... its as though i am superhuman, my heart cannot handle hate!!!!!....

It kills me to see the tears and the fear, it tortures me the way smiles are just but fixated plastic on faces, how hugs no longer seem full of trust....

I just want to loose the fake smile, I want to have an honest laugh, I want to know what it means to love again, to hold your hand, to Love again......

I want to know What L-O-V-E is........

I don't want to do things  I regret no more, i want change......

I want to run far away from this place and never come back... i want to start over be a new creation in GOD, and person...

I want so many things that reality counters...... so i have to take what is there and live with the fantasy, hoping that one day it will be a reality.....

Cut CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT,

CUT,

BLEED, BLEED, BLEED, BLEED,


BLEED...

..................DI3......die................

We are making a mark!!!

..........R-E-A-L-I-T-Y........

.....Reality is like a joke, its so hard to live through yet so easy to dream about. I don't see how we people can work the systems of reality if they are always playing tricks....

I personally sometimes loath when reality becomes too vivid. When all the smells of sweat, manliness, blood, tears, fear wrap up into one disturbing smell. The sounds of grunts, the sound of deep breaths, screaming and silent sobs. The touch of callused and weather beaten hands all over the body that was supposed to be beautiful... I hate the sight of reality sometimes....

People always say, "there's a light at the end of the tunnel." Maybe that light only occurs when your not alive. when everything becomes a symphony of silence, when you cannot see, feel, hear, touch actual reality.....

When  everything seems to be going wrong in this reality, I find solace in dreams. Dreams that cannot be touched by anyone except my Father above, dreams that i can shield from being tarnished by violence, hate........and so much more......

The way you can spin a thread from utter nothingness, to tangible something-ness..... In dreams i can escape from the pain, from the people who constantly tear me apart, from the one who breaks me...... Dreams let me not think much.....

But as the days move forward, I seem to have lost the ability to dream. I lay awake at night, tossing and turning remembering visions from a dark past once well hidden threatening to rise to the surface.... I think about the struggle, about how you come to this room more often than before and take more of what you want. I have to endure your taking, my silent screams, my inert tears, my unsaid words, your curses, my brokenness, your torture, my injustice...... I want to hate, to feel that hate in reality, but all i get is numbness. All I have is a deep well of nothingness........

So i revert back to reality, I decide to ensure that I am alive...its the only way to know that I am H-U-M-A-N.....

Crimson,

Scarlet,

Red,

Poison,

Pills,

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut,

Bleeding tears of sanity.........

Bleeding vessel in a shattered piece,

                     me,

..................THE bROk3N cORpS3...........

We are making a mark!!!

MercyMe "I Can Only Imagine"

................i can only imagine when those mornings will be glorious rather than scary, beautiful rather than revealing.......... patiently I imagine..............

........3veryday.......

Everyday, another story arises...everyday we arise and forget to remember that we are not around by our own will, but rather here because GOD allowed us to see the new day.......

This heart almost seems as though it was made whole just to break........ but then again, how is it that you can break an already broken heart???

Sometimes the sun can wake up with rising vigor, sometimes its just a matter of being there. I know what it means to break into a million insignificant little pieces that cannot be put back together. I know the pain that tears at you, crashing and breaking like waves...... Every morning i get up, and the first thing i see is the darkness. The sun seems almost a lost thought to my eyes.... Every morning is a new darkness, every morning feels as though the nightmare is getting more and more real.

The nightmare that threatens my existence. The nightmare that is big, hurtful, mean, loathsome and much more.....

I remember the nights that would find me in a room all by myself, tears in my eyes, pain in....... he would strut into the room feeling oh so majestic, when i was all alone....

I was innocent, i think i still am(subject to so many doubts), but he took away that innocence. forced me into a life that i thought i was incapable of getting into. He tore out the little girl from me and left the savage within.....

So i get up every morning, hoping for the misery to E.N.D, but it never does..... Everyday is an affirmation that the nightmare is only getting bigger and deeper.....an affirmation that the darkness and his inflicted pain are holding tighter to my frame, giving me no room for escape........

.........so i let crimson fall,

              i endure it all,

        I harvest sorrow,

   even though Its borrowed,
    
            not from anyone
            
                   rather,

from a shut heart that belongs

               to someone;

                     ME............................

We are making a mark!!!

Kesha - Dancing With Tears In My Eyes (with Lyrics)

........Timmy, my song........thanx

.........*Scars*........

A memoir of all the played fantasies in my head are running past rapidly. i know that time is supposed to be the magical healer of all wounds, but how many wounds have been healed by time??? we are fragile material, so strong with outward appearance but the weakest people if someone dared look inside.

Scars line the archives of these walls, not pretty scars but scars that were and are supposed to make me stronger. scars that barely graze a surface deeply untouched.... people always say that, when you fall down, your only supposed to get up, dust yourself and keep moving.... how bout when you fall in a manhole, what happens next?? how many times do you have to try to get up and dust yourself before you realize your stuck?

I built a fortress that cannot be easily penetrated by anyone around this fragmenting heart, but it was just a fictitious way to calm my heart and lie to my mind...... those walls were torn apart and someone needs to put the pieces back together before they fall apart again.

The scars are all there, more so on the inside hidden, but there are outward ones as well. Hidden from the naked eye, these scars and wounds have only been opened with time. None has been shut. So i want to leave these scars as a reminder of the "good ol' days"......

All these tiny places and pieces have a story to sing. A story so deep and so painful they can barely be uttered........ Scars not pertaining to beauty, rather; remorse, pain, hate and so much more......

Someday these scars will shine or maybe the pure exstacy that comes from reopening the pain and dripping crimson red blood will catch up to me....

Maybe one day the cut will be so deep that all the blood drains from me. Maybe one day the bottles will all be empty from the medicine cabinet because I needed to sleep....  

Maybe this phenomenon that everyone seems to know but me will finally make sense, or drive me away.....


                                     A million unsaid thoughts,
                                         a million unfelt feelings,
                                            a million unspoken lies,
                                               a million mysteries about me,

                                                 a million tears, a million scars, a million cuts, a million droplets
                                                                       of pure scarlet crimson........

We are making a mark!!!

"Apologize" One Republic Music Video

love this song......

..............Frailty of Friendship......................

Something that really gets to me is the frailty of friendship. It can be either meaningless or meaningful, NO in betweens. I have millions of people who have chosen to self righteously give themselves the title of friend, but deep down inside i really wonder, how many would take a bullet for me???? Probably none.

Sometimes, friendships begin so spontaneously like a combustion reaction between two fairly flammable elements, but then the only sad or sorry thing is the fact that those flames come to an end when the other person always decides to pour water all over because the fire's to hot!!

Its almost as though all the trouble we both went through to make the flame burn; the match, the elements, the TIME! Was all a waste.

I have had "friends", the people who will always run to you when they need advice, the people who will cry on your shoulder when their boyfriends dumped them, when their parents fought late into the night, the people who'll tell you about their crush, or talk about how they will get the boy in school you like so much but can't face.... Guess sometimes all we see in the movies isn't fiction, rather its a replay of reality...

Those friends who'll "hear" you talk about all the stuff you went through and probably go tell the next person they see or just not hear anything at all. The people who decide to take all your spots at any event just so they can shine....

I've had even "closer Friends" who've torn this piece of cloth i call a heart into something resembling a dust mop. They "close friends" that come to me only when they need something materialistic, the friends who'll persuade you to go somewhere with them just so that you can be the house-girl for them... The kind of people who your parents see as the epitome of good "daughter 'ness" if there is such a word, whilst you attain the highest recognition of honored amongst skunks....... if they only new what she was behind closed doors......

So because of this, you become a box. A box shut so deep that anyone will need to blast it open to see even a flinter of substance.... this box is covered well, hidden from all who seek it and kept under a watchful eye.... that box is me..... MA.

One day the perfect friend will come along,

with all her flaws just to love my flaws....

She'll converse with me and I with her,

We'll sing and dance and play and light the world

with laughter brighter than our tears....

we'll have little fights, we'll have big fights

we'l cry because we miss each other,

and make cause we were pissed at each other...

we'l love with hearts of gold,

and hate with hearts full of load...

I will love her, she will love me

So we'll be, when my perfect friend comes along.

.........This is MA...........

We are making a mark!!!