MercyMe "I Can Only Imagine"

................i can only imagine when those mornings will be glorious rather than scary, beautiful rather than revealing.......... patiently I imagine..............

........3veryday.......

Everyday, another story arises...everyday we arise and forget to remember that we are not around by our own will, but rather here because GOD allowed us to see the new day.......

This heart almost seems as though it was made whole just to break........ but then again, how is it that you can break an already broken heart???

Sometimes the sun can wake up with rising vigor, sometimes its just a matter of being there. I know what it means to break into a million insignificant little pieces that cannot be put back together. I know the pain that tears at you, crashing and breaking like waves...... Every morning i get up, and the first thing i see is the darkness. The sun seems almost a lost thought to my eyes.... Every morning is a new darkness, every morning feels as though the nightmare is getting more and more real.

The nightmare that threatens my existence. The nightmare that is big, hurtful, mean, loathsome and much more.....

I remember the nights that would find me in a room all by myself, tears in my eyes, pain in....... he would strut into the room feeling oh so majestic, when i was all alone....

I was innocent, i think i still am(subject to so many doubts), but he took away that innocence. forced me into a life that i thought i was incapable of getting into. He tore out the little girl from me and left the savage within.....

So i get up every morning, hoping for the misery to E.N.D, but it never does..... Everyday is an affirmation that the nightmare is only getting bigger and deeper.....an affirmation that the darkness and his inflicted pain are holding tighter to my frame, giving me no room for escape........

.........so i let crimson fall,

              i endure it all,

        I harvest sorrow,

   even though Its borrowed,
    
            not from anyone
            
                   rather,

from a shut heart that belongs

               to someone;

                     ME............................

We are making a mark!!!

Kesha - Dancing With Tears In My Eyes (with Lyrics)

........Timmy, my song........thanx

.........*Scars*........

A memoir of all the played fantasies in my head are running past rapidly. i know that time is supposed to be the magical healer of all wounds, but how many wounds have been healed by time??? we are fragile material, so strong with outward appearance but the weakest people if someone dared look inside.

Scars line the archives of these walls, not pretty scars but scars that were and are supposed to make me stronger. scars that barely graze a surface deeply untouched.... people always say that, when you fall down, your only supposed to get up, dust yourself and keep moving.... how bout when you fall in a manhole, what happens next?? how many times do you have to try to get up and dust yourself before you realize your stuck?

I built a fortress that cannot be easily penetrated by anyone around this fragmenting heart, but it was just a fictitious way to calm my heart and lie to my mind...... those walls were torn apart and someone needs to put the pieces back together before they fall apart again.

The scars are all there, more so on the inside hidden, but there are outward ones as well. Hidden from the naked eye, these scars and wounds have only been opened with time. None has been shut. So i want to leave these scars as a reminder of the "good ol' days"......

All these tiny places and pieces have a story to sing. A story so deep and so painful they can barely be uttered........ Scars not pertaining to beauty, rather; remorse, pain, hate and so much more......

Someday these scars will shine or maybe the pure exstacy that comes from reopening the pain and dripping crimson red blood will catch up to me....

Maybe one day the cut will be so deep that all the blood drains from me. Maybe one day the bottles will all be empty from the medicine cabinet because I needed to sleep....  

Maybe this phenomenon that everyone seems to know but me will finally make sense, or drive me away.....


                                     A million unsaid thoughts,
                                         a million unfelt feelings,
                                            a million unspoken lies,
                                               a million mysteries about me,

                                                 a million tears, a million scars, a million cuts, a million droplets
                                                                       of pure scarlet crimson........

We are making a mark!!!

"Apologize" One Republic Music Video

love this song......

..............Frailty of Friendship......................

Something that really gets to me is the frailty of friendship. It can be either meaningless or meaningful, NO in betweens. I have millions of people who have chosen to self righteously give themselves the title of friend, but deep down inside i really wonder, how many would take a bullet for me???? Probably none.

Sometimes, friendships begin so spontaneously like a combustion reaction between two fairly flammable elements, but then the only sad or sorry thing is the fact that those flames come to an end when the other person always decides to pour water all over because the fire's to hot!!

Its almost as though all the trouble we both went through to make the flame burn; the match, the elements, the TIME! Was all a waste.

I have had "friends", the people who will always run to you when they need advice, the people who will cry on your shoulder when their boyfriends dumped them, when their parents fought late into the night, the people who'll tell you about their crush, or talk about how they will get the boy in school you like so much but can't face.... Guess sometimes all we see in the movies isn't fiction, rather its a replay of reality...

Those friends who'll "hear" you talk about all the stuff you went through and probably go tell the next person they see or just not hear anything at all. The people who decide to take all your spots at any event just so they can shine....

I've had even "closer Friends" who've torn this piece of cloth i call a heart into something resembling a dust mop. They "close friends" that come to me only when they need something materialistic, the friends who'll persuade you to go somewhere with them just so that you can be the house-girl for them... The kind of people who your parents see as the epitome of good "daughter 'ness" if there is such a word, whilst you attain the highest recognition of honored amongst skunks....... if they only new what she was behind closed doors......

So because of this, you become a box. A box shut so deep that anyone will need to blast it open to see even a flinter of substance.... this box is covered well, hidden from all who seek it and kept under a watchful eye.... that box is me..... MA.

One day the perfect friend will come along,

with all her flaws just to love my flaws....

She'll converse with me and I with her,

We'll sing and dance and play and light the world

with laughter brighter than our tears....

we'll have little fights, we'll have big fights

we'l cry because we miss each other,

and make cause we were pissed at each other...

we'l love with hearts of gold,

and hate with hearts full of load...

I will love her, she will love me

So we'll be, when my perfect friend comes along.

.........This is MA...........

We are making a mark!!!